bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
