After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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