Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
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My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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