I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
