The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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