there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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