He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
