Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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