My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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