I am in a vortex of obligation.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
