i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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