i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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