omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
