I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
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The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
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I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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