If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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