Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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