If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize