He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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