I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
