Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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