rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
