Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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