Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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