Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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