It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
