I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
