You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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