I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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