It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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