we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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