wrigley field is MILF paradise
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
