I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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