Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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