Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
