you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
