Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
im six kinds of drunk right now
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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