honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
