God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
