1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
