this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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