If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
