apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
