why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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