you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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