There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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