he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
