Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
