I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
