i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
