I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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