the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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