i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
worst night to have a conscience
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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