Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
