bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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