My friends, they love my intelligence
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
