I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
