All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
