I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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